Zhuzhing on All Fours
Numerology, Choice, and Miranda July
Four days ago I underwent a delayed reconstruction surgery to alter the terrain from my original breast cancer surgery (a lumpectomy over my heart). The first surgery happened four years ago in this same week, during the strangely quiet days of Covid in a hospital in Saskatoon. This new surgery happened on a Friday morning in Toronto at Mount Sinai. A business as usual kind of day where the flow and efficiency of hospitals was notable and impressive. It may not be the soft and slow pace I am accustomed to, but they get things done, and I was well taken care of throughout it all. I am incredibly grateful for our Canadian health care which allowed this procedure to happen with ease.
The dates of these surgeries were not decided by me. Timing and choices presented themselves as they often do, and I responded to what I was given. What I’ve come to understand about cancer is that the journey continues way past the diagnosis and treatment. The bell is rung and we are proclaimed “done”, but four years into my remission I'm still required to take medication and have annual MRI screenings. On March 4, the same day you may be receiving this (more 4s!) I have an appointment to review my meds to see if they need to be changed. I still wake up in a panic sometimes and get fixated on whether I am healthy enough. I still find moments of hyper vigilance present in how I live, and how often I check myself.
Control is a funny thing. It is always an illusion to believe we have control. And yet we often do have the ability to choose and to see our choices unfold to become new realities. Where is there choice and where is choice handed to us? What are we given and what we do with what we are given? How do you know when to surrender and when to take action? When to leap and risk and when to be considered and careful? When to move and when to be still? When to swim and when to float?
I can’t control what happened or what is going to happen. I know this, yet it is easy to forget. It is a practice to remember again and again. All I can do is continue to be compassionate and gentle towards myself, to slow down and rest into the truth that in this moment things are alright. In this present moment I am four years into remission and I had a choice to leave things be (healed over, but unresolved) or risk an additional surgery to reshape what remained. It was not a quick or easy decision, it was a conscious choice that had many layers and textures and lifetimes to it. It was a choice that I ultimately said yes to, that had no other reason for happening other than it was what I wanted for me. I find those decisions are the most challenging, to choose what is best for me based on what I know from within without prioritizing the temperature in the room. Allowing myself to choose what is my truth without looking for approval or confirmation from others. This inner voice is one I encourage in our sound meditations. We get still and listen. We let the channels of sound guide us deeper into our own inner song.
There is also something funny strange interesting curious exciting that happened around the time I read Miranda July’s miraculous new novel “All Fours” and joined the All Fours Group Chat. It flipped a switch, connected some new wiring, activated a longing to not hold back. There was a feeling of exhilaration and freedom and desire that ignited. There were certain permissions I feel I was not granting myself that this book helped to unlock. There was a desire to write with less cautiousness, to live with more life force. Grateful for the synchronicities and strange connections. Grateful for writers and readers and the chance to share a little more of my own strange magic.